No, I am not having one right now. I am not pregnant. Nonetheless, this is a topic that has been central to my days recently....
I have some friends, close or once removed (ie, friends/siblings of friends), who are expecting. I have some others who already have children, and who love being parents and don't talk about anything else. I have some friends who have children and who love being parents and who love their children, but who also miss certain aspects of their old life. (Probably, everyone who has kids feels this way. But only some of my friends are brave or honest enough to admit that, and smart enough to know that it doesn't mean they love their children or choices any less). Sadly, I have at least one friend who has a child, who must love her child, but who wishes she wasn't a parent. And, I have a number of friends who are trying to have kids with no luck (yet...). These past couple weeks have been full of baby announcements, and baby conversations....Some lighthearted conversations. Some heart wrenching.
Having families, having children, is overwhelming. Especially the thought of it. What if I can't get pregnant when I want to? What if something goes wrong? What if I end up feeling the way my friend does, who really doesn't want to be a mother? What if I can't relate to my kids? What if I miss my old life - not like my friends miss theirs, but if I miss it too much? Mostly, what happens if I am not a good mother?? It scares me. It scares me even though I know I can handle what comes my way. It scares me even though I know I will be a good mother -- good in the sense of trying my hardest and putting our kids, and my relationship with Derek, as my priority. It scares me even though I know - from my friends' experiences - that there are lots of treatments to help with fertility if we do have a problem (um, though no one in my family really ever has. Did I mention I have over 60 cousins?). It scares me even though I know you just have to roll with the punches, and not get ahead of yourself. It scares me because it is just that - scary. It's entering into the unknown. The unpredictable. The world where your actions have real consequences on the people you inevitably love so much, but you are never really quite sure what actions will have what consequences.
Anyway, that being said, I love hearing from my friends about their children. I love meeting their children too. It is amazing, seeing my friends in the faces and actions of these little newborns, 1 year olds, 5 year olds. I love it. In their kids, I see only the best traits of my friends (maybe b/c I don't think too many of the friends I keep have bad traits!!). I am excited for what lies ahead of my friends' children...and happy that I know what lies ahead for them b/c I know the quality of their parents. While thinking of starting a family scares, the thought of these families also warms my heart to no end.
The other thing that warms my heart? My nephews. But I will save a discussion about those three for another blog:)
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It IS scary. And I think it's a good thing that it is scary, because it keeps us on our toes and (hopefully, at least the majority of the time) inspires real thought and deliberation in both the decision to become a parent and then those endless (and I do mean endless!) decisions that comes along with being a parent.
I was scared I wouldn't be the kind of mother I wanted to be when I was pregnant. Not that I would be a bad mother, but that I wouldn't measure up to the expectations I had of myself. But slowly as the years go by I am realizing that, while I will probably never be AS good as I want to be (is anyone?), I'm pretty damn good. :)
I do miss my pre-kids days, for sure. I miss being selfish and lazy weekends and not feeling guilty (because motherhood comes with more guilt than I thought possible - it's never enough). But I wouldn't trade it - most moms I know feel the same way. Even on those days when I'm ready to kill them!
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