Derek is snoring....

And I have a baby stuck on the right side of my rib cage. Both of these things are, once again, keeping me from falling asleep like I would really like to do. Honestly. I want to sleep.

I was up last night, missing Butter. I miss him most on the days that would have been hardest to take care of him. I miss him on days when it is pouring rain, and our walks would have been slow and miserable. I miss him on the days where my feet and hips hurt, and it would be hard to help him up the stairs like he needed. I miss him most on the days when Derek has to work early, and I would have had to take him on his walk before I left for work, not knowing if we'd be able to make our loop in 15 minutes or 60 minutes depending on how he felt that day. I miss him most when it is thundering, and he would have refused to go outside. I miss him most when Deucey is pulling me and wants to go fast, and Butter wouldn't have been able to keep up. I miss him most when I have no money in my account, but would have needed to buy him food and his Glyco-flex pills anyway. I miss him most when I am bone-tired and would still have needed to find the time and patience to do anything and everything he needed me to. I just really miss him, and I find it hard to believe some days that he really isn't here.

I miss him despite knowing that I would never feel comfortable with any babysitter watching the baby, Deuce and him. No one could have cared for him in his older days like Derek and I, and how could I have found someone I trusted to care for all three of them (Deuce, Butter and Baby) at once? I doubt we will even find someone to take care of Baby like we want. (Anyone who knows the name of Baby....don't write it....we want SOMETHING to be a surprise to SOMEONE when he arrives).

We interviewed someone on Saturday -- a babysitter. She was very nice. She gave us four references, one of whom I used to work with when I was a teacher (small world). She was actually sweet, and something about her was very "pure" and nice to speak with. She has good experience with other families and at daycare centers. With newborns on up. And she loves dogs. And Deuce really liked her and was very peaceful and loving with her. And I had asked him to tell me if he liked her -- and I think he did. However, she was probably the least attractive person I have ever seen. And Derek echoed the thought. I feel like a horrible person for even caring or noticing. Honestly. It is horrible. Maybe there was something else there that I can't put my finger on that makes me nervous, and I am just focusing on that. I wish I could say I knew that was the case for sure. Instead, I am apparently shallow. Even more shallow than my husband, who noticed and cared but got past it. I am not saying we wouldn't hire her -- she was the first person we spoke with aside from our old dog-walker Julia, who we love, but who is not sure she will be able to babysit consistently for us. And maybe as we talk to more people, I'll either have that instinct about who the right one is or confirm that the first one we spoke to really is great. I just have no comparison right now of real people that could do it (which is vastly different from 'resumes' you see of people that may be available, albeit at a cost we likely can't afford). Nevertheless, we will keep looking. And we will have this first one back to hang out with us one day when Baby arrives. But, I still feel nervous that we aren't going to find someone that I am comfortable with.

Work is going very well. It has been so busy, but very rewarding and challenging and fun. That being said, I am looking forward to having some time away from work, regardless of how hard my new job will be.

We have pictures of our "shower" -- aka party -- that was thrown for us by some friends, my sister and parents. It was PERFECT! We had such a great time, as did all of our friends and family that could make it. It couldn't have fit us any better. We had a nice time hanging out at Union Hall for the afternoon, then went to dinner with 14 of our closest friends at Beast (tapas bar). It was perfect. The only downside -- I couldn't have any of the wine that smelled so good:)

Things To Be Happy About....

Some things that make me happy, despite being up at 3:09am with heartburn (which feels like death, not just heartburn) and a mind that won't calm down from work....

1. Agatha's blog.
2. Deuce playing with his toys more and more lately
3. Derek rubbing my feet for the past 2 nights
4. Getting to see my sister this weekend. And my nephews. And my mom. But mostly my sister
5. My obstetrician, who I love
6. The majority of my co-workers, who I really like
7. Our neighbors in 2A, who make me laugh every time we talk
8. Ice cream. I really have to give it up, but I love it.
9. Lauren, my sister and my mom, who have done a lot they didn't have to do to put a party together for me and Derek
10. My second Division Championship Weekend Lunch win in 3 years over Brad and Jon. You have to bet big to win big, men.
11. Thoughts of going to Mexico next April with my sister, Agatha (yes, you are coming), Lauren and other fun females who need a break. For my sister's sake. I promised her I would put it together. Once she's given me a chance to look good again.
12. My ability to joke with Derek. And crack myself up. If I posted the jokes here, they wouldn't be funny, but whenever I say them to my husband, I crack both of us up.
13. The fact that it is now 3:15 and I think I might be able to fall asleep. Soon.
14. Imagining ways to get out of a meeting tomorrow night...or I mean tonight. Now that I am up thinking of it, there is no turning back. I am coming home tonight sans meeting.
15. Derek's new gig at "MonQi" -- a new spin and workout studio in the city. The owner also owns a studio in the Hamptons, where she has "guest instructors." So elite;)
16. Listening to Deucey dream (he is "barking" and running right now).
17. Having deleted 7,000 emails (yes, 7,000) from my work inbox today/tonight. I really wish I could just delete the remaining 245...but thinking of them doesn't make me happy, so...onto other thoughts.
18. Old pictures. Some of them crack me up. All of them make me happy.
19. The new rug in the baby's room. Chenille...so soft.
20. Imagining being a mom.
21. It is 3:21. I am on number 21. I think I can try to sleep. The TUMS are making my heartburn feel a little better, if that is possible.