Finding Beauty

How do I pass time on the subway you ask? Often, I read. But typically, after I read a book that I absolutely love, I go through a time where I am hesitant to pick up anything new. I anticipate not liking the book as much, I anticipate being disappointed. So I wait so that I can give the next book a fair shot at gaining my attention.

I rarely listen to my iPod. I love music - all types, all genres. I appreciate good music and musical talent. But I associate music with my home, with my car, with working out. It usually doesn't fit on the subway for me. So what do I do during my book breaks on my commute?

I play the "Find Something Beautiful" game. That I created. I think I might have done a version of this when I had to go to church when I was a child, but it was a much less refined game back then. Actually, back then, I would look at every single person as they walked in line to get communion, and I would let the people that I thought were pretty or good looking "pass," and those that I found unattractive or ugly I would pretend to send them back to their pews. Pretty deep, spiritual and religious of me, huh? Needless to say, I have known from a young age that I did not believe in "church." Religion, maybe. Faith, maybe. But not "church." Or the need for it. Or the mandate of going. It all comes back to the question that I always ask: If there is a god, no matter what we call him/her/it or what form he/she/it comes in - does god really care if I show up to a particular building each Sunday of my life? Or would god care more about me being good and kind and caring? Clearly, I think the latter. So if there is a god, I would imagine god was less disturbed with me missing church on any given sunday and more disturbed with the fact that when I was 7, I determined who I thought was "fit" for communion based on whether I thought they were pretty or ugly.

Anyway, I digress. I no longer play the game in church (okay, I no longer go to church, but that is beside the point). And the game has refined. Now, when I am on the subway, I see if I can find at least one "beautiful" or attractive thing about every single person in my car. So you can see that I have grown, right? I no longer divide the world as "pretty" and "ugly," but rather try to find the "pretty" in everyone.

It is not easy. But not for the reasons that I would imagine. With women, I can almost ALWAYS find at least one beautiful trait. Pretty eyes, good skin, nice hands, nice legs, good sense of style, nice hair, delicate nose, nice collar bones, nice smile. Something. Men, on the other hand, I've got a hard time with. With men, it is still sort of like I am 7. It's all or nothing. They are good looking, or they aren't. If I can find 1 thing attractive, I can find a laundry list of other things. But if not, there's absolutely nothing. Why is that?

I've got a couple theories. Maybe since I am a woman myself, I know how to dissect women. The things I like about myself, I can spot in other women. The things I don't like about myself, I can spot and envy in other women. Or maybe women just have more "beautiful" features, even if the whole doesn't necessarily look great to someone subjectively.

Or maybe, if you look closely at that last sentence, you'll see there's another. Maybe it is me trying to find something "beautiful." What I am looking for is beautiful - maybe - and what some men are to me is "attractive" (or, hot, or whatever). It is something less tangible than "beauty." I see a man, and I know if I find him attractive or not. My mind doesn't tell me, my eyes don't tell me. My stomach does. I get a physiological reaction. I don't get that physiological reaction with women. So my ability to objectively say if I find something nice about the way women look or their features remains wholly cerebral. My mind is looking at something, disconnected from my body or subconscious. There is nothing visceral or primitive about it. It does not signify anything to me on any level (unless, as I alluded to above, is that it is reinforcing something that I like or dislike about myself).

Men, on the other hand, I can't be as objective about. But this surprises me. I often have said, "Well,he is good looking, but just doesn't do anything for me." And to be honest, if a guy is good looking on the train, I have no problem picking out a feature. But if a guy is not "good looking," I often cannot, for the life of me, pick out one feature that I like about him. His hair, his smile, his eyes, his skin, his nose, his ears, his hands. Nothing. I am usually at a loss. Why is this???? A man can be objectively good looking and do nothing for me, and I can possibly point out the good traits. He can be possibly objectively unattractive, but make something in my stomach feel like a small little butterfly, and I can pick out traits I like. But if he is objectively unattractive, and does nothing for me, then I can't even pick out ONE feature that is nice? I think it is terrible.

Or maybe it is my fall back options that aren't appropriate. With women, I often find myself saying "She's got nice skin" or "Young hands." Men just really don't often have nice skin or young looking hands. If they do, they are often the ones that are objectively good looking in my eyes but don't do anything for me. Sometimes with women it is their hair. "She has nice, full hair" (as opposed to my fine hair....this would be an instance where I notice it because I envy it). Few guys really have nice hair (why else do we make such a big deal out of Patrick Dempsey's nice head of hair)? Or if they do, they aren't on the NY subway system. So then I try to think, "okay, does he have strong looking hands?" I've always found strong hands nice - you can depend on them, they can pick you up, they can build things, they can hold you tight, they work hard. But it doesn't work. If a guy has strong - maybe rugged - looking hands, I am kind of attracted to him regardless and can find other nice features, too. So I haven't figured out a way out of this dilemma that always ruins my game -- I can find one nice feature in most every woman, but with men, I am still all or nothing. It always ruins the game.

If you think I sound silly, or crazy, or naive, or young, try it. First, it is fun. Time flies. Second, it makes you think. You can write a thesis on beauty and on attraction in your head. Third, I am curious:)

My other "game" is on my walk home (or to) the subway. Or any walk, really. It is to make eye contact and smile at each person that walks by me. I like to see if more people react positively or more people get scared and look away/look down/pretend they don't see me. Maybe this game is only fun in NY because NYers like to pretend that they don't have time to make eye contact with anyone, anywhere. But it is also fun because it makes you feel kind of good. Smiling at people makes you feel good no matter what - and it probably makes the person feel good even if they do look down at the ground and shuffle away as quickly as possible. A friend of mine also thought that it would be fun because it "gives you the power" in that dynamic that exists between the two of you - even if you are strangers. You take charge and "control" the exchange by making eye contact and offering something. I am not sure I agree - the person I make eye contact feels pretty powerful when they look at me like I am crazy.

Updates...

Always feel like I have lots I want to post about, but then when I get a few minutes to post something, the thoughts slip away (as well as the ability to be eloquent and deep!). So here are some random updates...

1. Last weekend my sister, her husband, and my oldest nephew Reeves were here for Reeves' 12th birthday. It was a surprise trip for him, and he loved it! They came in on a red-eye, arriving at 6:30 am Saturday morning. I picked them up, we dropped their stuff off at our condo (and they got the "grand tour" and really liked it!), said hi to Butter & Deuce and got Derek. At about 7:30, we then went and walked around the neighborhood and got breakfast. Lesson #1 about New York: cool, hip restaurants do not open before 9am. Except Tom's Diner, a Brooklyn hallmark (over 70 years!), with exceptional pancakes, excellent service, and 5am-4pm hours, Monday-Saturday.
2. After breakfast we walked over to Prospect Park and shopped at the Farmer's market. Apparently, just breakfast, dirty city streets, and the beautiful park and market were enough to impress Reeves, who announced to his dad while my sister bough challah bread that "This is the best birthday present ever."
3. My sister and her husband were impressed with how kid friendly and dog friendly our neighborhood is. Apparently, they did not believe me when I told them all of this, but had to see it for themselves.
4. From the farmer's market, we headed into the park and realized a 1/2 marathon race was happening. So we cheered the runners on, and my sister asked, "Man, who does this [meaning, running in races] for fun?" Derek and I both though we would see my dear friend Lauren, who is training for an ironman triathlon, run by any moment as an answer to the question. We didn't see Lauren, but I did see my friend Russ, who is also an IP attorney and who runs in a 5K at the annual conference we all go to together (and who actually told me about the job at the NFL!). My sister thought that was funny for some reason - I guess that she asked the question, and not but three minutes later I shouted "Go Russ!" and he yelled back, as he sped on by, "Hey Nikki!".
5. We toured the streets of Brooklyn for the rest of the morning -- it was a nice day, fun to walk and window shop. Lesson #2: If you would like to shop in NYC or Brooklyn on the weekends, in cool boutique shops, do not try to shop before 12:00pm. Nothing opens before then!
6. Reeves announced while we were window shopping and checking out the cool brownstones, "I love New York." What a wise wise child.
7. We napped during the afternoon to recover from the red-eye and early morning. After the nap, we took the subway into Times Square, which Reeves was really excited to see. However, he had a migraine, so there was a hitch thrown in our plans. Poor kid. I devised a solution that helped him recover before dinner -- I had Derek and Ryan go get some Advil Migraine medicine and take him to one of my favorite spots, DTUT's, which is a coffee/wine/beer/dessert cafe with big comfy chair and sofas. My sister and I walked around, and then went by DTUT's right before dinner (it is on the Upper East Side, and right next to where we were having dinner). We walk into to see Ryan and Derek enjoying a some wine, and Reeves happy as could be with a glass of tea, laughing, and staring at the amazing desserts. Reeves happily let us know that as soon as he took the medicine and sat down for a minute, he felt better! He loved the Advil Migraine and wanted to make sure they always had it around. Lesson #3: Advil Migraine = Crack.
8. Dinner was awesome. My gift to Reeves was making him have dinner with really amazing, inspiring people. We were at dinner from 8pm until 12:15am - and everyone had a great time. Lots of food, lots of wine, lots of LAUGHTER. I heard Reeves talking to his mom the next morning. This is what he said about my friends when she asked who he had dinner with. "Well, Nikki's friend Hollis, who is her best friend from college, or something like that. He films lots of televisions shows and movies. Like the Sopranos, and some other movie that Nikki and Derek liked but Hollis said was terrible. And he probably knows more than they do, so I don't really want to see it. And Hollis's wife, I think her name was Nikki. No, not Nikki, Neesha. And she writes books. I think her book will be pretty interesting, so I want to buy it. Remind me. And then Aunt Nikki and Uncle Derek, and Dad and Billi [my sister]. Oh, and Nikki's friend Lauren, who is INSANE. She is doing an ironman triathlon, which is insane. And Nikki's friend Mike, who is like even smarter than Nikki. He has some connection to Donald Trump [Mike is going to clerk for a 3rd Circuit federal judge, The Honorable Marian Trump Barry, who is Donald Trump's sister], but I can't remember what it is. But he is even smarter than Nikki." Yes, he did tell his mom twice that Mike was even smarter than me. But hell, at least I am being used as a standard for smart.
9. When splitting the bill, I suggested how to split it (Hollis & Neesha came later, and did not drink nearly as much as the rest of us), no one agreed with me and then came up with their own theories of how it should work, but they weren't adding it up right, and then Hollis suggested the same method I had. Lesson #4: Georgetown teaches you something about accounting, even if you are a psych major.
10. We then went to Times Square again, since Reeves missed it due to his migraine. He saw the Late Night with Dave Letterman studio, and Fox News studio, and the giant Toys-R-Us with a ferris wheel inside, and the lights and lights and lights, so many lights that it looked like 1pm on a sunny day, not 1am on a Sunday morning. He loved it.
11. We went to bed at like 2:30am, and except for Derek (who is an early riser), we all slept until Noon. Including the dogs. It was pouring rain, enough so that Deuce did not even want to go outside and Butter just wanted to play in our building hallway. I made everyone eggs and toast and fruit, and we lazily got ready and decided to go to the Museum of Natural History. We made it there by 4:30 (it closes at 5:45). We found out that it is free entrance if you enter the last hour before closing. Lesson #5: Sometimes it pays to sleep in and be lazy. (I need my husband to learn lesson #5!).
12. We had Thai food for dinner - the first time Reeves and Ryan had ever had it. Reeves is an adventurous eater, which is a great quality in a 12 year old. He loved it. So did Ryan. And our waitress loved Ryan because he really did try to pronounce the Thai names of the dishes, but just butchered them, and she giggled so sweetly.
13. We went to our beloved Apartment 138 for dessert, which was delicious. Billi and I tried to take a self-portrait with Reeves' camera, and failed miserably. Billi kept only getting me in the picture, or at most me and her nose (which is not big, I don't mean to imply that, just the angle sucked). If Reeves remembers to send the pics to me, I will share. But if you think that is going to happen, you will need to learn Lesson #6: Don't expect a 12 year old to remember something he says he will do:)
14. Monday was there last day here. I took the day off work, but we still came into the city via subway during rush hour "for the experience," which Reeves was mega excited for. We stopped at Nintendo World, which is only exciting to a 12 year old, or should only be exciting to a 12 year old. We saw the end of the taping of the Today Show. I brought them to my job, and they all loved seeing the NFL offices - the Lombardi trophy, the Super Bowl rings, the historical pictures and magazines and everything. It was really cool.
15. We then took the Staten Island Ferry back and forth in order to see the Statue of Liberty. If you are ever in NY -- remember this tip. Do not take a trip to the Statue of Liberty. It costs tons of money and takes all day and you can't really see it when yuo are right next to it. Take the ferry. It is free, takes about 1 hour (or 90 minutes) to get there and back, and the ride takes you right by the Statue and you can see it perfectly. On the return trip, you have a gorgeous view of the city. Lesson #7: The city is beautiful from the outside looking in, no matter how dirty the streets are.
16. Monday night and Tuesday I was depressed that they were gone. I baked a batch of brownies (with frosting!) and, yes, I ate the whole batch. And I was still depressed.
17. Monday night, and then again Tuesday morning, Derek and I got in a big fight. Probably because I was depressed. Which leads to Lesson #8: Don't tell a woman why she is mad when she thinks she is mad at you. It only makes her more mad!
18. Wednesday morning we made up. Which leads to Lesson #9: Sometimes, you need a good fight in order to experience the fun of making up. So cliche, but so true.

Can I List 7 More?

I thought I was decisive and came up with seven. Then I closed out of blogger, thinking I would go back later and write about my family's visit to NY and the depression I go through the day after my visitor's leave or I leave them (when I am visiting), but then I couldn't stop thinking of other songs that I l-o-v-e and I couldn't not add them. So here are seven more:

1. Fire & Rain - James Taylor
2. Moondance - Van Morrison
3. Cruisin - D'Angelo
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
6. If I Had Only Known - Reba McIntyre
7. Over & Over - Tim McGraw & Nelly

Okay, more soon (not more songs, I mean more posts....).

7 Songs

My friend Tracey (http://morethanaminivanmom.blogspot.com) tagged me to choose my seven favorite songs. Because she recognized the difficulty of this task, and because I like the number 7 (it is one of the "numbers" of my name, under the "science" of numerology), see the list of my seven favorites of today:

1. Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross
2. Turn Your Lights Down Low -- Bob Marley & Lauryn Hill
3. By Your Side -- Sade
4. You'll Think of Me -- Keith Urban
5. Just Once - James Ingram
6. My One & Only Love - John Coltraine and Johnny Hartman
7. Lose Yourself -- Eminem

Please note - they aren't all love songs! Which, means I don't discriminate or that this list is not accurate and my mind is at a blank for all those songs that I listen to and turn up and proclaim, "I love this song," before I continue to sing along with my monotone voice. Or both.

More soon.

We Could All Learn Something from a 7th Grader

In the elevator at work, I saw a poem (via the CNN Captivate screens they have in elevators now) written by a 7th grader:

I was at the beach and pretended to be Miss Universe.
The water was my audience and the sun my spotlight.

I wish I could remember the name of the 7th grader to give proper credit. But I loved it. How wise. How pure. How fun.

Bad Self Image Day

Many of my posts disappeared. I don't know where they went. I can't get them back. I wrote a long post, and then published it. It wasn't about anything important - just an attempt to re-invigorate my desire to blog. Then I posted it, then it and many other posts just disappeared. Such is life.

I had a slightly off day today. I wasn't upset, wasn't PMSing, wasn't frustrated. I was perfectly happy. But my clothes felt a bit weird - like I didn't coordinate the right outfit, not like they didn't fit. It also felt wintery when it was a fairly warm day. My shoes felt like I have been wearing them for a couple months too long. Actually, they are my favorite work shoes, and I did get them 2 1/2 years ago, and so I guess I have been wearing them for about 1 1/2 years too long, not just a couple months too long. I actually then expected to see that Nine West still offered the exact style when I looked on-line. I love them, and everyone compliments me on them. Of course, Nine West has moved on to other styles:) Anyway, back to my self image day. So my outfit wasn't coordinated right, my shoes felt too old, my hair wasn't quite doing what I wanted it to do. I went shopping at lunch to get this cute top that I saw in the window of BeBe last Friday. I met two former colleagues for lunch, saw the top on my way there, thought about buying it on the way back, but then was walking with my Jon and Brad and felt like it would be way too girly to stop and go shopping. So I didn't. And I thought I would go back and get the top this week. So today I did. Sure enough, BeBe just swept out all its old clothes and brought its new summer line in......This top was short sleeve, although a knit/crochet material, but I guess that doesn't fit "summer." Although it totally could. Anyway, I saw on the sale rack that they had ONE left. It was an extra-small. I am a lot of things. But I am not an extra-small.

But I tried it on anyway, because it looked like it might just fit. And it actually did. It actually looked cute! But I overanalyzed it, and thought it must not be fitting the way it was SUPPOSED to fit, because although I would expect to be a Medium, and would have thought small maybe if it was a really big cut, it just made no sense to buy an extra-small. Yes, this is the same woman who wrote a blog about how I have every size in my closet and as long as it fits, then I buy it and wear it. But today I was off, and feeling in a fashion funk, and so convinced myself not to buy this 1/2 off cute shirt that fit well. And it was the last one. It won't be there tomorrow.

Okay, so I am probably glamorizing it. Maybe it didn't fit perfectly. Maybe it is better that I didn't buy it. But damnit, I wish I did and wish that I could have tried it on again with my James Cured by Suen jeans and seen if I liked it. Especially b/c in the dressing room I thought, "My god, I want liposuction on my arms." And I convinced myself that I had tons of cellulite on my arms. In the dressing room. Then in the gym later and at home tonight I wondered what the hell was wrong with me, and couldn't find the cellulite. So clearly it was the lighting. (That's my story and I am sticking with it). I should have bought that fricking top.

I get this feeling every so often. Maybe twice a year. In fact, I had it back in September. Then I splurged and got some new clothes, and the feelign was cured. I am about to get my bonus, and I swore I would spend it reasonably and wisely and save a chunk of it. But I need a wardrobe update. I am simply tired tired tired of the clothes I have - the work clothes, and the clothes that I go out in. Except my James Cured by Suen jeans, which I l-o-v-e. I couldn't be happier with that investment:)

My sister and her husband and my oldest nephew, Reeves, are visiting this weekend. They get in really early Saturday morning (6 am!) and stay until Monday night. We have plans, and I am really looking forward to having them. This is Reeves' first trip to NYC. My sister and brother in law have visited twice before...once when I lived in Tribeca with 6 other people in a communal living situation, and once when Derek and I lived in the Bronx. We had a blast both times. (In the Bronx, it was for my sister's 31st birthday, and I had my Corporate Tax Law final the day after her birthday, and so I prepared by studying while Derek took them ice skating at Rockefeller Center and then had yaegermaester shots with my sister at SoHa Bar & lounge, and I got an A+ on what was definitely the hardest test I have ever taken since AP Physics my senior year of high school, and possibly physiological psychology during college, and was quite proud of myself b/c it proved that if you relax.....) Anyway, I am excited to have them. Maybe I will have some pictures next week.....