Finding Beauty

How do I pass time on the subway you ask? Often, I read. But typically, after I read a book that I absolutely love, I go through a time where I am hesitant to pick up anything new. I anticipate not liking the book as much, I anticipate being disappointed. So I wait so that I can give the next book a fair shot at gaining my attention.

I rarely listen to my iPod. I love music - all types, all genres. I appreciate good music and musical talent. But I associate music with my home, with my car, with working out. It usually doesn't fit on the subway for me. So what do I do during my book breaks on my commute?

I play the "Find Something Beautiful" game. That I created. I think I might have done a version of this when I had to go to church when I was a child, but it was a much less refined game back then. Actually, back then, I would look at every single person as they walked in line to get communion, and I would let the people that I thought were pretty or good looking "pass," and those that I found unattractive or ugly I would pretend to send them back to their pews. Pretty deep, spiritual and religious of me, huh? Needless to say, I have known from a young age that I did not believe in "church." Religion, maybe. Faith, maybe. But not "church." Or the need for it. Or the mandate of going. It all comes back to the question that I always ask: If there is a god, no matter what we call him/her/it or what form he/she/it comes in - does god really care if I show up to a particular building each Sunday of my life? Or would god care more about me being good and kind and caring? Clearly, I think the latter. So if there is a god, I would imagine god was less disturbed with me missing church on any given sunday and more disturbed with the fact that when I was 7, I determined who I thought was "fit" for communion based on whether I thought they were pretty or ugly.

Anyway, I digress. I no longer play the game in church (okay, I no longer go to church, but that is beside the point). And the game has refined. Now, when I am on the subway, I see if I can find at least one "beautiful" or attractive thing about every single person in my car. So you can see that I have grown, right? I no longer divide the world as "pretty" and "ugly," but rather try to find the "pretty" in everyone.

It is not easy. But not for the reasons that I would imagine. With women, I can almost ALWAYS find at least one beautiful trait. Pretty eyes, good skin, nice hands, nice legs, good sense of style, nice hair, delicate nose, nice collar bones, nice smile. Something. Men, on the other hand, I've got a hard time with. With men, it is still sort of like I am 7. It's all or nothing. They are good looking, or they aren't. If I can find 1 thing attractive, I can find a laundry list of other things. But if not, there's absolutely nothing. Why is that?

I've got a couple theories. Maybe since I am a woman myself, I know how to dissect women. The things I like about myself, I can spot in other women. The things I don't like about myself, I can spot and envy in other women. Or maybe women just have more "beautiful" features, even if the whole doesn't necessarily look great to someone subjectively.

Or maybe, if you look closely at that last sentence, you'll see there's another. Maybe it is me trying to find something "beautiful." What I am looking for is beautiful - maybe - and what some men are to me is "attractive" (or, hot, or whatever). It is something less tangible than "beauty." I see a man, and I know if I find him attractive or not. My mind doesn't tell me, my eyes don't tell me. My stomach does. I get a physiological reaction. I don't get that physiological reaction with women. So my ability to objectively say if I find something nice about the way women look or their features remains wholly cerebral. My mind is looking at something, disconnected from my body or subconscious. There is nothing visceral or primitive about it. It does not signify anything to me on any level (unless, as I alluded to above, is that it is reinforcing something that I like or dislike about myself).

Men, on the other hand, I can't be as objective about. But this surprises me. I often have said, "Well,he is good looking, but just doesn't do anything for me." And to be honest, if a guy is good looking on the train, I have no problem picking out a feature. But if a guy is not "good looking," I often cannot, for the life of me, pick out one feature that I like about him. His hair, his smile, his eyes, his skin, his nose, his ears, his hands. Nothing. I am usually at a loss. Why is this???? A man can be objectively good looking and do nothing for me, and I can possibly point out the good traits. He can be possibly objectively unattractive, but make something in my stomach feel like a small little butterfly, and I can pick out traits I like. But if he is objectively unattractive, and does nothing for me, then I can't even pick out ONE feature that is nice? I think it is terrible.

Or maybe it is my fall back options that aren't appropriate. With women, I often find myself saying "She's got nice skin" or "Young hands." Men just really don't often have nice skin or young looking hands. If they do, they are often the ones that are objectively good looking in my eyes but don't do anything for me. Sometimes with women it is their hair. "She has nice, full hair" (as opposed to my fine hair....this would be an instance where I notice it because I envy it). Few guys really have nice hair (why else do we make such a big deal out of Patrick Dempsey's nice head of hair)? Or if they do, they aren't on the NY subway system. So then I try to think, "okay, does he have strong looking hands?" I've always found strong hands nice - you can depend on them, they can pick you up, they can build things, they can hold you tight, they work hard. But it doesn't work. If a guy has strong - maybe rugged - looking hands, I am kind of attracted to him regardless and can find other nice features, too. So I haven't figured out a way out of this dilemma that always ruins my game -- I can find one nice feature in most every woman, but with men, I am still all or nothing. It always ruins the game.

If you think I sound silly, or crazy, or naive, or young, try it. First, it is fun. Time flies. Second, it makes you think. You can write a thesis on beauty and on attraction in your head. Third, I am curious:)

My other "game" is on my walk home (or to) the subway. Or any walk, really. It is to make eye contact and smile at each person that walks by me. I like to see if more people react positively or more people get scared and look away/look down/pretend they don't see me. Maybe this game is only fun in NY because NYers like to pretend that they don't have time to make eye contact with anyone, anywhere. But it is also fun because it makes you feel kind of good. Smiling at people makes you feel good no matter what - and it probably makes the person feel good even if they do look down at the ground and shuffle away as quickly as possible. A friend of mine also thought that it would be fun because it "gives you the power" in that dynamic that exists between the two of you - even if you are strangers. You take charge and "control" the exchange by making eye contact and offering something. I am not sure I agree - the person I make eye contact feels pretty powerful when they look at me like I am crazy.