Moments

Our life changes in moments. We go through those moments unsuspecting, and were it not for 20-20 hindsight we wouldn't know their significance. But they accumulate. They snowball. They provide little bits of drama and emotion, and eventually insight. Insight into others, into ourselves, into how we fit in this world. Insight into what we want, and what we don't want.

There is the moment you witness your older sister take the blame for something you did, without even glancing your way. The moment you hear a "crack" that is your little brother's skull after you were supposed to catch him. The moment you see your dad and your grandfather fighting, both drunk. The moment you see your father crying, and the moment you see your mother crying, and the first moment you actually understand why the tears are coming. There is the moment you meet your best friend and think he is a huge dork. There is the moment you believe you are beautiful. There is the moment you laugh with the one group of girlfriends you have ever really felt tight with. The moment you accept that you get a long better with men than with women (generally) when it comes to friendships. The moment you realize that you should not beat yourself up over that. There is the moment you are dreaming of your big time crush, and he calls. The moment you realize you've made a mistake that you have to live with. The moment you realize all the potential inside of you. The moment you realize you have let someone down, and the moment that someone is yourself. The moment a friend lets you down. The moment you realize you have exceeded expectations. The moment you overhear someone say something nice about you. The moment when you overhear someone say something mean about you. The moment you overhear a friend say something mean about you. The moment you actually look at how long it is going to take to pay back your student loan debt. The moment you find a lump in your breast. The moment you find out someone you love, dearly, has died. The moment you get your first pay check from a full time job. The moment you decide to do things on your own. The moment a crowd cheers for you. The moment you get your dream job, and you are still left wanting more, or something else -- you aren't sure which.

Then there is the moment you walk into the bathroom after feeding your dogs and cleaning up the kitchen, because before you fed the dogs and cleaned the kitchen you peed on a little stick, and you see the "+" sign on the stick. There is that moment you find out you are pregnant for the first time.

And unlike many (but not all) of the other moments, your first thought, with a smile, is "Oh, sh**." A thought that is really more of a feeling, and a feeling that you feel so strongly that you inadvertantly say it outloud. And quite different from the "Oh, SH**" feeling you might have had at 18, 20, 24, or even 29. And your dogs look at you with a sideways cock of the head, maybe suspecting that this moment might impact them, too. And you figure you should call your husband and let him know the news. Which really shouldn't be a surprise as the two of you knew what you were doing, but is a surprise because neither of you quite believed it would result in this. And he is naked in a locker room next to a naked stanger, and he has the impulse to tell the stranger who is naked that his wife is pregnant, because he wants to tell someone the news face to face, but he refrains. Thank god.

And the moment doesn't really seem that significant, not for a while. Because life doesn't immediately change. You just know that it will. And you start anticipating the changes and the excitement -- something that clearly wasn't your focus the actual moment this whole chain of events was set into place.

And then it does change. And you hate your friends who are currently pregnant as well and who do not have the pleasure of experiencing "morning sickness," which really is a misnomer if there ever was one. And you have a moment where you realize that morning sickness feels uncannily similar to a 3-month long (if you are lucky) constant bad hangover. And you remember the long ago moment when you learned what a terrible hangover feels like, and the consequences you pay for drinking. But you run through every moment of your life and can remember no moment when someone told you that pregnancy might make you feel the same way. That would have been an important moment.

So you are getting through the days by counting down the weeks until this "hangover" should be disappearing....two, maybe three, maybe four weeks to go. And you just get through the days as gracefully as you can considering that you really feel nauseated every minute and then only thing that makes you feel better is eating and/or sleeping, but eating is an iffy thing even though you can't stop, and sleeping just isn't an option Monday-Friday, 8:30-6:30. Or so. And you remind yourself constantly not to complain, because hopefully there are no moments that break your heart after you survive these first few months. You know stories of such moments, and you know we are all vulnerable to those moments, and all you can do is hope that you never have such a moment that brings you insight that you really don't want. Because it could happen, and you know it, so you just have to roll with the punches. You are just a little over 10 weeks along in this 40 week - give or take, hopefully -- excursion. You just have to take what comes your way.

Meanwhile, you have moments that questions run through your mind. What does a girl who really detests baby showers and who has mostly male friends do when her mom and/or friend(s) want to plan her a baby shower? Does a baby really need brightly colored things (stroller, car seats, crib sheets), or is it okay to get the cute chocolate colored ones that I have seen? How am I going to carry my 110 pound thirteen year old dog (who is probably 14, if not soon to be 14) up the stairs to my condo when I am 8 months pregnant? (I will find a way - by the way - I owe him that much, at the very least). Is there really any way I can prevent my nose from getting bigger - like my sister's did - during this whole pregnancy thing (I know, I know....it goes back to normal afterwards...but still). Am I going to be a good mom? Will our child get Derek's playfulness or my seriousness? Will s/he get my wit or Derek's clown like humor? And how in the hell have women survived this "morning sickness" for so long with so few complaints??????? Please, someone answer me that.

All the while, you keep having other moments. The moment your close friends tell you they are moving to Canada. The moment you realize if you had to do it all over again, you would stay in dance class and try out for "So You Think You Can Dance" and then after your dancing career be a part time choreographer and a vet. The moment you stand up for yourself at work. The moment you hear your nephew make up a sweet little song about you. Yet another moment when someone with an ulterior motive exposes themselves. The moment when you realize how much in common you have with a neighbor. The moment you try to figure out why someone from work is surprised to see you at a party of a mutual work friend. The moment your husband admits he is wrong about something you are fighting about, and he is not admitting that just to appease you but he really gets it. The moment you decide to just live in the moment.